First of all, I’d like to say I’m writing this to get it off my chest really, to work through it all myself. And also just in case anybody else has similar experiences to me, you’re not alone. (Please have similar experiences to me I feel kinda alone)
I don’t know when/how it started, but I know when/how it was discovered. My not completely functioning female organs that is.
As soon as I started my periods, tampons freaked me out. I started when I was 12/13, so wasn’t really confused by my own disgust at tampons, but when I reached around 16 and realised I still could not put one near the thing between my legs (whilst my friends were losing their virginity), I started to wonder.
I’d never had a relationship, so thought it was maybe that. I thought maybe that because nobody else ever goes down there, I just don’t want to go down there with a tampon or my finger. (I have for as long as I can remember masturbated just with the clitoris, I was never interested in putting a finger there.)
It was around the time I was 17, and I started speaking to guys who I thought I was sexually attracted to. This encouraged me to explore myself…myself. I went down there with a mirror and an eager hand. It didn’t scare me to look at or anything. I had already googled how to position yourself to put a finger up there, so I felt completely fine and went to do it. I just hit a wall. For a split second I actually thought I did not have a vaginal opening, there was no hole to shove anything in. I knew it, this is why I was not interested in trying a tampon.
I went through a phase of thinking maybe I’m asexual and that’s why I can’t. Then I realised that I’m just making excuses for myself because I don’t want to approach the real issue here. I knew there was something wrong but I just ignored it because I didn’t need my vagina, I wasn’t having sex or anything.
Then I started actually seeing someone. I didn’t tell him the issues I had, incase that jinxed it. He went down on me, tongue etc. was all fine, I felt no pain. I started being hopeful, I thought maybe I had had no success with my finger (by this point I’d tried again and again and again…) because I didn’t want my own finger up there. Reasonable.
He hit a wall. And it hurt like fuck. Honestly it felt like I was going to shit myself and implode all at once. I vaguely felt pleasure though, which made it even more annoying. I could just about tell why people enjoyed it. But the pain outweighed the pleasure a LOT.
I finally decided to go to the doctor. By this point I had self-diagnosed myself with vaginismus. I had an internal exam and nearly kicked her in the face. It was the most painful experience of my life. At one point it felt like she’d punctured a hole through my organs to get further inside me. In reality she was probably prodding about 2 inches inside me. I felt it in my throat. I was in pain for the rest of the day. I’d obviously gone home with the diagnosis of vaginismus.
This was only a few months ago. I’m still trying to train myself to ‘breathe properly’, ‘relax properly’, ‘wee properly’ etc etc etc. But I’m hopeful. Because I’ve just found out a girl I knew with similar issues is pregnant. Clearly it’s curable. Maybe a bit too curable.